“I wish I was a newspaper so I could be in your hands all day,” Biheshimiwa alias digital Lady fumed as she approached the sitting room. Without mincing words or turning my eyes from the obituaries page I was reading, I fired back, “I too wish that you were a newspaper so that I would have a different one every day.” This opened a canon of unprintable, which she vomited into my face and left me lying on the sofa set like a deflated condom. Unknowingly, all this had been caused by a brief assignment given to me by boss.

Earlier in the day, the editorial board had met. They went through all CVs in our third rate media house looking for someone to undertake a mission impossible. On my CV they read; Dr.(Debtor) Officer, BSC, (Bachelor of Stoning Cars) MPC (Mad People’s Combination) UON (University of Nowhere) MBA (Masters in Anything) Havard University, PHD, (Permanent Head Damage) in Laughtology, EKB (Elder of the Kitchen Budget), ETC (End of Thinking Capacity) Esquire. The CV was quite impressive to them and my boss to call me immediately.

“A certain Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD) christened Luna Tranguility has been launched towards Powdery Mildew. According to an anonymous call, the WMD, which was launched from a Naivasha hotel, had caused the worst destruction to the sphaerotheca pannosa family since Hiroshima bombing. “The board has settled on you to come up with an award winning obituary advert and enable them reclaim back their position as the leading horticultural media house. This is a brief assignment to a mission impossible”, said my boss.

I escaped through the backdoor to my house then went straight to bed. Instantly, I fell asleep and my dreams took me to a nearby flower farm where impeccable sources had it that this WMD had wiped out all the powdery Mildew. According to the sphaerotheca pannosa family who requested anonymity, the disaster was caused by Luna Tranguility, a new broad spectrum fungicide, containing two active ingredients for the control of powdery mildew in roses. The source gave Fluopyram 125 g/l + Pyrimethanil 375 g/l as the dangerous combination.

A stone throw from where I stood was PRIP Workshop (Powdery Mildew Rest in Peace) a family owned business which had been subcontracted to do millions of coffins for the dying powdery Mildew. “I came to inform you breakfast is ready and the king of sphaerotheca pannosa family has called for a Baraza at the leaf stadium to discuss this aftermath calamity,” said lady voice. My scribe’s instinct rose and immediately I proceeded to the stadium. In attendance were all clans of the fungi family. When the king stood, everyone was quiet. “Ladies and gentlemen of the fungi family, let me start by sending condolences to our brethrens of the powdery Mildew family and assure them, my government is doing everything to control this calamity.

Brethrens, allow me to tell you that, our all time enemy, Bayer CropScience, has launched a Weapon of Mass Destruction named Luna Tranguility. The missile was launched at a Naivasha hotel. The launch was attended by all growers in Kenya. According to our chemical weapons experts who attended the meeting, they had unleashed an outstanding new fungicide for the control of Powdery Mildew. Immediately after receiving this information, we set a commission known as Sphaerotheca Pannosa Commission. The commission has worked tirelessly and their provisional report is encouraging. The missile is known to contain two tried and trusted modes of action. Floupyram blocks the electron transport in the respiration chain at the level of complex 11 different from strobilurines acting at complex 111. Pyrimethanil inhibits the secretion of fungal enzymes required for the infection process, thus cell destruction and nutrient acquisition process is stopped. Germtube extension and mycelium growth are inhibited.

Additionally, this new WMD protects leaves and petals (majority of active substance is on the surface), has continuous penetration (continue to penetrate the leaves overtime), has a acropetal (upward) systemicity (redistribution of the active into leaves by xylem; no downward movement) and has a translaminar efficacy (protection of non-treated areas). Luna Tranguility inhibits the pathogens at 3 important phases for disease extension: Germination, Incubation and Sporulation. This translates to prevention of the initial contaminations and further disease extension. It also has a low use rates.

With a favourable environmental and toxicological profile, it is compatible with IPM programs for it is harmless to predatory mites. According to the commission most farm managers have launched lethal attacks from their farms. Now, allow me to call our Government Chief Nuclear Phycist to take us through some slides.

When the government Chief Nuclear Phycist stood, he startes “Brethrens, I want you to watch keenly the three slides I will show. In slide one, Luna Tranguility stops and controls powdery mildew in various stages of the disease development cycle. Our second slide shows that Luna Tranguility offers unparalled pre and post harvest disease protection while ensuring an inbuilt anti-resistance strategy due to different modes of action, target sites and chemical classes. Our last slide shows that Luna Tranguility ensures grower does not need to choose between the must haves of quality and quantity since the grower harvests the maximum numbers of marketable stems while ensuring they reach the market without botrytis thereby increasing customer satisfaction by having good looking flowers and expected vase life. In conclusion, brethrens of the powdery mildew clan flee any leaf known to have been hit by this missile.

Eureka! Eureka, I jumped only for my wife to aim a WFD (Weapon of Face Destruction) on me. Shut up, what is wrong with you? Why are you pretending to be Archimedes? This woke me up only to find that I was dreaming but thank God, I can now write the obituary and save my job. “You must have been among the few who escaped from our mental institution,” my boss said after I presented the death announcement. “I did it for a purpose but you can call them now as I have rested my case” I answered in a quick rejoinder.