There is a chance that even as you read this third rate column I’m facing a commission of enquiry investigating my character for the last six months. The commission most likely to be chaired by my father in-law with his first born, as the lead counsel will have the mandate to probe, investigate and recommend to the whole chain of Eve’s descendants if I’m a man enough to take care of their daughter.
As I fix these words to make some sense, the hosts of divorcees are knocking my door. This has nothing to do with being incapacitated to perform my duties as a husband but it is purely malice from the enemies of my family developments. But it can all be blamed on IFTEX, the self-proclaimed international exhibition. It all started when they requested the first lady to open the 4th show in Kenya.
She caused all this because I had informed Officerless, the Eve’s descendant I swore in front of a mammoth crowd that I will never look left, right or backward when am walking with her till death does us apart that all roses grown in Kenya are for export. I had convinced her that the only time Kenyans are allowed to buy roses is during valentine and funerals.
So, during the material day, my PMQ 700 AM snaked into the compound at ungodly hours as usual. To my amazement the woman I delivered total dowry to own had not slept yet. When I stepped into the house and our eyes met, I knew I had courted problems. Her face looked like a cobra ready to attack its prey with teeth florins like River Nile heading to Mediterranean Sea. She resembled steaming Mandazi. “We are fed up with your newspaper and manerless puffing mouth. Do I look like a shay woman? When every husband has bought a rose flower for his wife today, you can only bring a newspaper”. Before I could understand her bitterness she had already started packing threatening to go back to her parents and wait till she gets a total man.
As I knelt down to show my loyalty, Larry Madowo came with what he calls late night news. The news started with the first lady Her Excellency Madam Margaret Kenyatta telling exhibitors and participants that real men buy flowers for their wives. She went on to ask, what will a flower mean to your wife when you giver her in her funeral. The time is now, for flowers bring a touch of eternity, joy, love and beauty to her world. First I thought I should lie to her that she was addressing European consumers after her Netherlands marathon or I tell her those were Kenyans living abroad where the flowers are exported. But I remembered she had chewed enough books to differentiate between Visa Oshwal and abroad. So as “Kenyans buy Kenyan flowers for your spouses” slogan was born, my marriage was dying.
God forbid but it is also rumoured that the birth has caused a number of other deaths including those of other prominent Kenyans. And so with my marriage, sinks many other marriages. As I contemplated the next lie, the TV station aired the first lady, visiting Flower Vendors Association stand. I gawked in wonderment as the late news anchor fried me, and before she had finished reporting I realized Officerless had already left.
After several visits to my in-laws, his father accepted to form a commission of inquiry into the circumstances, which led into the demise of our marriage.
Being neither too stupid nor too clever, I’ve joined a club known as “till roses do us apart” for the sake of my survival and the club has accepted to finance my legal fee to fight for the survival of my marriage, I have also teamed up with them to ensure that roses will not continue breaking marriages.
But again, as a flower writer, I’m left wondering, why can’t I join her Excellency and use the same zeal to market Kenyan Roses in Kenya. I’m thinking of a TV commercial with the first lady telling Kenyans, “Buying Kenyan Roses Starts With You”.
Meanwhile, I’m afraid on the future of my union with officerless. Going by the history of this country were commissions of inquiry are never respected and results remain locked into the AG’s office, I may remain wifeless for the rest of my lifetime. However, thank God officer Junior, popularly known as ‘Boy’ and officerless Junior Christened ‘Mum’ who are the only other members of my clan are still nagging me. I hope officerless will reconsider her position before I dispatch the rest of the remaining clan to her which will make my budget and social status friendly .
So if you see an advert like we wish to announce the untimely death of officer’s marriage which was caused by roses. Officer Junior and officerless Junior survive the marriage. Friends and Relatives are meeting daily in the greenhouses to plan for the burial. Don’t be surprised for it is only roses that can do us apart.
